2011-10-15T20:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Aatish,

It’s not his age.

Atleast not anymore.

It’s all the uncertainty that comes with it. We’re at such different phases in our lives – him and I. And before you ask – I do trust him – I love him, how could I not? But I also trust that he will grow older and as he does – perhaps six years later when he stands where I am right now – his priorities will change. Like I’m torn between a desire to settle down, and an equally pervasive need to let go and fly free – so might he. And what happens then, when he finds himself tied down – tied down with me.

Will he leave me? Will I stay knowing that his heart is no longer in this? Everyone needs a misbegotten youth Aatish. God knows I’ve had mine. If I agree to what he wants now, wait for him for a couple of years (and in the process hit the big 3-0) then will I not be binding him to a promise he’s not capable of making right now? He has such big dreams – and in typical early-twenties fashion his dreams change day-by-day and become even grander in the making. Can I stay with him knowing that by bringing him into a life of familial mediocrity (because that is what it might ultimately boil down to) his dreams will remain still without any hope of actualization.

Or can I let myself believe that being with me will only make him stronger, happier and more able to fly high knowing he has a nest to come home to?

That was the loving, giving side of me talking.

Let’s change track a little and lets just talk about me. Me who has this alien, suddenly-very-real need to just get-on-with-the-rest-of-my-life-now. And I’m not at all sure that I want to wait. Wait for anything at all, including him.

Except the truth is when he’s with me the world seems a little brighter. And its just so much easier to laugh, it’s easier to cry, and easier to let someone else play Atlas as I run around and just be silly for a while.

He makes me happy.

And that’s where the problem lies.

- Aab.

latticework dreams drawn upon crumpled notebook pages